My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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