YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
