Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize