I'm so fucking centered right now
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
