I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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