i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
