her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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