No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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