I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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