It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
