I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my being single is dangerous.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
