well I can't set my house on fire every night
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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