I'm laying in your front yard are you home
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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