someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
