I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
