I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
