I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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