Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you win again, gameday.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
