I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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