I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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