Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
