next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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