All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
