They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
