I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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