You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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