you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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