I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
