im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
