What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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