I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
