he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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