woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize