Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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