Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
