Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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