So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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