And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
