Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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