11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
