Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
