Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf