this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
