I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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