I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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