thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
