Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
