i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
