Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
