Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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