my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize