I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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