Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize