Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
