My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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