so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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