You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
