no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
