Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
